Amidst the excitement of the new year and posts promising the reclaiming of self through resolutions, I find myself still latching on to the moments of 2012 that kept my heart humming along. I don't often try and dwell on what will happen in the future. My life has been spent revising "plans".
Adapting.
Accepting disappointment or facing unknowns and moving forward. There were moments this year where moving forward seemed impossible, where everything felt too heavy to face. There were moments where I closed the curtains and let myself wallow.
"I don't know how much more of this I can handle. It never gets easier..."
Everything feels like an overwhelming challenge when you have depression lingering in the unchecked corners of your brain. There are times when your faulty synapsis and neurotransmitters turn from science to monster. It sits in the backseat of the car sometimes. You try and swallow it down with your coffee. It makes itself cozy in your body while you wonder where you left yourself. In the grocery parking lot? At the bank? Surely I must be somewhere.
But there were also moments where I did find myself....
It may not get easier but it I am lucky.
When I was a regular church goer, at my baptism a friend gave me a card and on the inside it said "he never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it." It's been years since I lost religion, but I still find that line comforting sometimes. And while I may have my hangups, I'm still hanging on.
I hope the new year finds you all in good spirits. I hope you can all make your own light and care for one another. Hold your families close and find the honesty in this adventure we wake up to every day.
