2012

  Amidst the excitement of the new year and posts promising the reclaiming of self through resolutions, I find myself still latching on to the moments of 2012 that kept my heart humming along. I don't often try and dwell on what will happen in the future. My life has been spent revising "plans". 

Adapting. 

Accepting disappointment or facing unknowns and moving forward. There were moments this year where moving forward seemed impossible, where everything felt too heavy to face. There were moments where I closed the curtains and let myself wallow.

"I don't know how much more of this I can handle. It never gets easier..."

Everything feels like an overwhelming challenge when you have depression lingering in the unchecked corners of your brain. There are times when your faulty synapsis and neurotransmitters turn from science to monster. It sits in the backseat of the car sometimes. You try and swallow it down with your coffee. It makes itself cozy in your body while you wonder where you left yourself. In the grocery parking lot? At the bank? Surely I must be somewhere. 

But there were also moments where I did find myself....

 It may not get easier but it I am lucky. 

When I was a regular church goer, at my baptism a friend gave me a card and on the inside it said "he never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it." It's been years since I lost religion, but I still find that line comforting sometimes. And while I may have my hangups, I'm still hanging on. 

I hope the new year finds you all in good spirits. I hope you can all make your own light and care for one another. Hold your families close and find the honesty in this adventure we wake up to every day. 

Currently- Jack Edition

Watching- Adventure Time. Always Adventure Time. I can't blame him though. He's made me obsessed with the show as well. Yesterday he was pretty engrossed in Home Alone (which is one of my favorite Christmas movies).

Loving- All the Christmas gifts he received yesterday. Between a bike, a Spiderman skateboard, every Ninja Turtle action figure and accessory Target had to offer and everything in between- it's safe to say I got to enjoy some calm coffee time as he spread out on the living room rug and tried to decide what he wanted to do first.

Listening to- Whatever Zack and I shuffle through in the car. He's a fan of anything catchy. His favorite band is still Queen. I thought he would have outgrown them by now, as toddlers and children often outgrow everything (last Christmas he got their greatest hits in his stocking) but now we've pretty much decided that Freddie Mercury is Jack's spirit animal. I mean...

This is a four year old Queen fan

He can do a mean "I Want To Break Free".        

    Going- Everywhere. Being that Jack is co-parented by his father and I, Jack tends to go all over the place. Between visiting his nana and pop-pop (Greg's mom and dad) on the far northwest side of Tucson, visiting Tristin's (Greg's girlfriend) family in Flagstaff to going to the far eastside of Tucson to visit with Zack's family; Jack is a travelin' man. Today we get to settle down, right in the middle, and relax at my house. And while I love being around everyone in a haze of happiness and ham, I am very much enjoying right now- just me and my boy.

Making him happy- The Sketcher shoes I got him for Christmas. I'm not sure why, but he was hell bent on getting these shoes for the last six months. I don't know what he's going to talk about now that he has them to stomp around in. The boy is particular about his shoes. I don't know where that comes from.


*Thanks to Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet for the idea of doing a kiddie edition of Currently. 

GIF Party

  Sometimes I go into a gif trance and I figured I might as well just turn it into a "thing" here. Tonight I found some Home Alone gifs that made me giggle (Home Alone also happens to be one of my favorite holiday movies), which was much needed after a day of trying to play nurse to Zack, who has come down with some flu-like sickness, only to start feeling kind of crappy myself. So, we're sick. 

 Anyway, here's my first round of what I'm going to call GIF Party (in reference to Black Flag's "TV Party"). This one is the Home Alone Edition. 

When Zack is rockin' the beard and I'm all...

When my roommate comes home from Whole Foods...

When I accidentally put my jeans in the dryer and then try and get into them a few days later...

That moment where I think the day is going well...

When somebody asks me what I'm doing over the weekend...

During "Shark Week", when I've run out of Give A Fucks...

That third cup of coffee...

Tuesday Tunes- Getting Kinky

 I was going to do a Music Monday post until I realized it was actually Tuesday. So this is my off-brand of Music Monday, the bagged cereal, if you will- Tuesday Tunes.

There's just something about this song that opens up my chest and fills it with the overwhelming urge to take a road trip.

In Reverie

 The holiday season is upon us and it's been hectic and left me with little wherewithal to blog. I've also just been a feeling hoarder lately. I used to immediately want to get things down, afraid that by the time my fingers hit the keyboard the colors, smells and textures of the moment would distort and I'd be left trying to create something tangible out of the intangible. These days I'm a little bit more present. I don't have to get everything down. The moments that count are recorded, indelibly, where it matters.

I revel in the windows cracked open, letting the fall air trace exposed arms or feet while the warmth in the slept in sheets creates a safe harbor.

I revel in my head finding the familiar places, closing my eyes and...breathe.

I revel in their laughter.

I revel in them.

"I'll get this all down later."

The now is where my heart lives. The later is where I let my mind wander. I find them in both places.

Currently

  In blogging you make so many grand plans.

"I'm going to post everyday! *and then reality sets in* "I'm going to post every other day!"

And then you don't.

"I'm going to revamp it and make the layout so aesthetically pleasing it will look like an actual legit blog!"

And then you don't.

"I'm going to network more with other bloggers and get to know the community!"

And then you don't.

I haven't. For awhile. And that's life, there are ebbs and flows and unfortunately I found myself in an ebb. Creatively, I wasn't feeling it. Time-wise, I wasn't feeling it. And frankly when you're a tiny blog in a vast blogging ocean sometimes you think "what's the point?"

But I've been blogging in some form or another since I was fifteen and it's become such a part of me that I'll never completely let it go, even when it feels as though I am due to inactivity. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that just because it isn't on the page or screen doesn't mean it's left you.

Anyway, these Currently posts have been circulating the blog world like mad and I actually like them. It's good way to get little snippets of life out there and it seems manageable so I think I'll try it.

Currently-

Watching- Lots of horror movies and American Horror Story. It's the time of year that favorites scary movie junkies and I love it. It would seem as though Jack got my genes in that realm as he has been asking me to watch "scary movies" all the time. I'm excited to get to share in this more in the future. Our Halloween's are going to be awesome.

Reading- The Rolling Stone. My roommate has a subscription and I've been thumbing through them when new ones come in. I forgot how much I love to read magazine articles. I used to want to write a column or be a journalist for a music magazine and reading articles in the Stone reminds me to keep working on writing no matter what I am writing for. It also reminded me that I haven't watched Almost Famous in awhile which I may remedy today.

Thinking about- Everything. There is absolutely no time in my life to be bored. I'm either working, thinking of the future and the process I must go through to make it a reality, and trying to stay present enough to enjoy actually going through the process. Things like future careers, finding and making a home for the three of us, finances, co-parenting Jack in harmony, taking better care of myself- these all weigh on my mind most waking hours. In between the heavy I think about how excited about Fall I am and all the activities I want to do because of it, revamping my closet, and how much a vacation sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

Loving- These two. We have been finding a happy place in bedtime stories (I've been trying to work with Jack more on reading and writing with kindergarten right around the corner. Holyshitballswhatthefuckhappenedtomybaby?!??!) lately. Jack really enjoys the ritual of it and it's just one of those things that brings a pause to the day and allows you to enjoy being close to the people you love. My favorite so far has been Frankenstein Makes A Sandwich. It's hilarious and I actually just discovered the author, Adam Rex, lives in Tucson. So obviously I must recommend it for its extreme awesomeness.

Listening to- The Walkmen.

Making me happy- All of the above. Oh, and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.


Here's to finding the flow to the ebb.

-Amanda

   We spent our six monthiversary in a way wholly our own- drinking a couple cocktails while doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in the back of the Tucson Weekly as our friends called us disgusting due to the excessive amounts of affection we generally bestow on one another.

We are not one year in, or ten years in. Not twenty-five or fifty. But we don't care. We celebrate.

We celebrate because both of us know how the world is and how seemingly impossible it felt before.
We celebrate because neither of us has ever smiled so genuinely.
We celebrate because the future is suddenly worth celebrating.

And we keep on celebrating.

                                             These two people will beat the everloving shit out of you on Scene It. 




To many more, my dear.