Currently

It's been a busy first half of the month. Zack has started at a new job and is adjusting to a 9-5 after being in the restaurant industry for awhile, but he has been enjoying it. It's been hard trying to align some semblance of a routine now that we work opposite hours and weekends tend to be where the money is in my job, which means I'm usually working them. But I think we've found something we can live with until we move in together, which we're looking to do hopefully by the summer.
If that hasn't eaten up most of our time, we have been spending the rest of it celebrating birthdays. I turned twenty-five on March 1st. Jack turned five on March 8th, a birthday that he also shares with two close friends and my little brother. So, there's been a lot of celebrating in between the daily grind.
I've also decided to embark on a new venture that I'm pretty excited about but will explain more of in a later post.


I just felt like a quick update to get the ball moving again when it comes to this blog. One of the best ways I've found is a Currently post...


I've currently been-

Listening to... Bits of Devendra Banhart's newest album, Mala. It's been near impossible to get THIS song out of my head. I'm not complaining though. Other than that it's been a lot of The Walkmen, Talking Heads and the Kinks...as usual.

Reading... I haven't been reading nearly enough. Most down time is spent catching up on sleep with Freaks and Geeks playing in the background on Netflix. But every now and then I bring a book of one my favorite poets in the bath with me. It tends to be Bukowski...a lot.

Enjoying... Jack. There's just something about this age now that has been so fun. He's the handsomest devil with the sweetest disposition, and I'm not just saying so because I'm his mother and tend to be biased. We take walks and talk the entire way. He's easy to reason with now and he is so quick to learn and pick up on things. I'm soaking it all in as much as I can until his teen years hit.

Excited about... I haphazardly came across a group of women in Tucson that do written word shows every month and I've been welcomed and encouraged to perform. Think Vagina Monologues, but with a changing subject line and performances are used to raise money for local charities. I'm glad I'll have the chance to write on a deadline, which is something I've been meaning to get better at, as well as meet some more of the amazing women in the arts that Tucson seems to be bursting at the seams with.

Craving... Beets and brussels sprouts. If I could eat both all day, I would. Zack cooked me up a bunch of both on Sunday and there were no leftovers. I can't get enough of them. I'm also craving a little getaway, but I'm more likely to get the beets and brussels sprouts.



What's up with you?

In two

    I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. After Jack was dropped off, after the shoes were removed and snacks were had, after the crayons were dumped on the floor and the cars and helicopters were found- I had a meltdown. It was small but it hurt the way some realizations that manage to find the bruises in your heart that remain just below the surface, unseen to the human eye, hurt. Jack is a child of divorce.

    Jack is a child who sees one parent and not the other, some times and other times. He is growing in an environment that was once demolished and is being reconstructed. And he is beautiful. And smart. And intuitive and kind. And I only see him half of the time. When I find a new characteristic, when a new mannerism emerges that wasn't there before, that I wasn't present for when it was discovered, I can't help but feel defeated at times. At time. Time, It, who is incredibly unforgiving.

   Watching your child grow up is bittersweet in and of itself. Cutting that time in half is a pill that is harder to swallow. Yesterday that pill got caught in my throat, again.

   I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to think that because I'm not there physically sometimes, that I care less.

 I miss him before he leaves up until he comes back. Depending on the serotonin levels in my brain I either leave his toys out to remind myself that he's coming back to pick them up again, or I put them away immediately so that I don't come across them in moments of melancholy. In the back of my head there is this reoccurring thought, or maybe plea, that One Day things will change. One Day I'll wake up  in the same house with him there, every day. One Day things will be Normal again.

In the meantime I try and soak up the time he's here. I stare at him more when he isn't looking, committing every hair and freckle to memory before it changes again. I drink up the "moms" that come out of his mouth like it's a protein my soul is deprived of. And when he leaves I put my sails back up and tread water until that lighthouse turns back on again, when crayons are dumped on the floor and stories are read at bedtime.