Currently

It's been a busy first half of the month. Zack has started at a new job and is adjusting to a 9-5 after being in the restaurant industry for awhile, but he has been enjoying it. It's been hard trying to align some semblance of a routine now that we work opposite hours and weekends tend to be where the money is in my job, which means I'm usually working them. But I think we've found something we can live with until we move in together, which we're looking to do hopefully by the summer.
If that hasn't eaten up most of our time, we have been spending the rest of it celebrating birthdays. I turned twenty-five on March 1st. Jack turned five on March 8th, a birthday that he also shares with two close friends and my little brother. So, there's been a lot of celebrating in between the daily grind.
I've also decided to embark on a new venture that I'm pretty excited about but will explain more of in a later post.


I just felt like a quick update to get the ball moving again when it comes to this blog. One of the best ways I've found is a Currently post...


I've currently been-

Listening to... Bits of Devendra Banhart's newest album, Mala. It's been near impossible to get THIS song out of my head. I'm not complaining though. Other than that it's been a lot of The Walkmen, Talking Heads and the Kinks...as usual.

Reading... I haven't been reading nearly enough. Most down time is spent catching up on sleep with Freaks and Geeks playing in the background on Netflix. But every now and then I bring a book of one my favorite poets in the bath with me. It tends to be Bukowski...a lot.

Enjoying... Jack. There's just something about this age now that has been so fun. He's the handsomest devil with the sweetest disposition, and I'm not just saying so because I'm his mother and tend to be biased. We take walks and talk the entire way. He's easy to reason with now and he is so quick to learn and pick up on things. I'm soaking it all in as much as I can until his teen years hit.

Excited about... I haphazardly came across a group of women in Tucson that do written word shows every month and I've been welcomed and encouraged to perform. Think Vagina Monologues, but with a changing subject line and performances are used to raise money for local charities. I'm glad I'll have the chance to write on a deadline, which is something I've been meaning to get better at, as well as meet some more of the amazing women in the arts that Tucson seems to be bursting at the seams with.

Craving... Beets and brussels sprouts. If I could eat both all day, I would. Zack cooked me up a bunch of both on Sunday and there were no leftovers. I can't get enough of them. I'm also craving a little getaway, but I'm more likely to get the beets and brussels sprouts.



What's up with you?

Five

  Dear Jack,

 Tomorrow you will be five and I'm still not sure how this happens. The number feels rounder and heavier than it's predecessor. You are taller and have shed so much of your toddler features I have to remind myself that you're still the same boy.

Where did this go?

So much has changed in our lives but you've always managed to roll with the punches in a way that I, at twenty-five, admire. You have retained your sweetness towards the world and extend it wherever you can. There is a part of me that pleads with the Universe to not take that from you. I wish for your health, your future; but I wish, more than anything, that your disposition remains. 

In a selfish way I am filled with pride. There is a feeling that you've done something right when a person like you exists in the world. I must check that and check it often because you are your own person. You are my favorite person.

There are moments where I am caught in sheer wonderment. 

How are you MY son?

How did I deserve you?

Somewhere along the way I asked a question and then the answer was born. March 8th, 2008. 

I have strived to find what I was meant to do with my life. Some affinities stick and some fall behind. Sometimes I feel like a failure and sometimes I just feel like an amateur. But there is one undeniable truth in my life. 

You are the still point of my turning world. 

I love you more than you can fathom, Bubs

Mom

2012

  Amidst the excitement of the new year and posts promising the reclaiming of self through resolutions, I find myself still latching on to the moments of 2012 that kept my heart humming along. I don't often try and dwell on what will happen in the future. My life has been spent revising "plans". 

Adapting. 

Accepting disappointment or facing unknowns and moving forward. There were moments this year where moving forward seemed impossible, where everything felt too heavy to face. There were moments where I closed the curtains and let myself wallow.

"I don't know how much more of this I can handle. It never gets easier..."

Everything feels like an overwhelming challenge when you have depression lingering in the unchecked corners of your brain. There are times when your faulty synapsis and neurotransmitters turn from science to monster. It sits in the backseat of the car sometimes. You try and swallow it down with your coffee. It makes itself cozy in your body while you wonder where you left yourself. In the grocery parking lot? At the bank? Surely I must be somewhere. 

But there were also moments where I did find myself....

 It may not get easier but it I am lucky. 

When I was a regular church goer, at my baptism a friend gave me a card and on the inside it said "he never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it." It's been years since I lost religion, but I still find that line comforting sometimes. And while I may have my hangups, I'm still hanging on. 

I hope the new year finds you all in good spirits. I hope you can all make your own light and care for one another. Hold your families close and find the honesty in this adventure we wake up to every day. 

Currently- Jack Edition

Watching- Adventure Time. Always Adventure Time. I can't blame him though. He's made me obsessed with the show as well. Yesterday he was pretty engrossed in Home Alone (which is one of my favorite Christmas movies).

Loving- All the Christmas gifts he received yesterday. Between a bike, a Spiderman skateboard, every Ninja Turtle action figure and accessory Target had to offer and everything in between- it's safe to say I got to enjoy some calm coffee time as he spread out on the living room rug and tried to decide what he wanted to do first.

Listening to- Whatever Zack and I shuffle through in the car. He's a fan of anything catchy. His favorite band is still Queen. I thought he would have outgrown them by now, as toddlers and children often outgrow everything (last Christmas he got their greatest hits in his stocking) but now we've pretty much decided that Freddie Mercury is Jack's spirit animal. I mean...

This is a four year old Queen fan

He can do a mean "I Want To Break Free".        

    Going- Everywhere. Being that Jack is co-parented by his father and I, Jack tends to go all over the place. Between visiting his nana and pop-pop (Greg's mom and dad) on the far northwest side of Tucson, visiting Tristin's (Greg's girlfriend) family in Flagstaff to going to the far eastside of Tucson to visit with Zack's family; Jack is a travelin' man. Today we get to settle down, right in the middle, and relax at my house. And while I love being around everyone in a haze of happiness and ham, I am very much enjoying right now- just me and my boy.

Making him happy- The Sketcher shoes I got him for Christmas. I'm not sure why, but he was hell bent on getting these shoes for the last six months. I don't know what he's going to talk about now that he has them to stomp around in. The boy is particular about his shoes. I don't know where that comes from.


*Thanks to Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet for the idea of doing a kiddie edition of Currently. 

GIF Party

  Sometimes I go into a gif trance and I figured I might as well just turn it into a "thing" here. Tonight I found some Home Alone gifs that made me giggle (Home Alone also happens to be one of my favorite holiday movies), which was much needed after a day of trying to play nurse to Zack, who has come down with some flu-like sickness, only to start feeling kind of crappy myself. So, we're sick. 

 Anyway, here's my first round of what I'm going to call GIF Party (in reference to Black Flag's "TV Party"). This one is the Home Alone Edition. 

When Zack is rockin' the beard and I'm all...

When my roommate comes home from Whole Foods...

When I accidentally put my jeans in the dryer and then try and get into them a few days later...

That moment where I think the day is going well...

When somebody asks me what I'm doing over the weekend...

During "Shark Week", when I've run out of Give A Fucks...

That third cup of coffee...

Tuesday Tunes- Getting Kinky

 I was going to do a Music Monday post until I realized it was actually Tuesday. So this is my off-brand of Music Monday, the bagged cereal, if you will- Tuesday Tunes.

There's just something about this song that opens up my chest and fills it with the overwhelming urge to take a road trip.

In Reverie

 The holiday season is upon us and it's been hectic and left me with little wherewithal to blog. I've also just been a feeling hoarder lately. I used to immediately want to get things down, afraid that by the time my fingers hit the keyboard the colors, smells and textures of the moment would distort and I'd be left trying to create something tangible out of the intangible. These days I'm a little bit more present. I don't have to get everything down. The moments that count are recorded, indelibly, where it matters.

I revel in the windows cracked open, letting the fall air trace exposed arms or feet while the warmth in the slept in sheets creates a safe harbor.

I revel in my head finding the familiar places, closing my eyes and...breathe.

I revel in their laughter.

I revel in them.

"I'll get this all down later."

The now is where my heart lives. The later is where I let my mind wander. I find them in both places.